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On this holiday morning, do you fret you didn’t choose the perfect gift for that someone special? I constantly strive, but wherever I look the suggestions flood in with unhelpful suggestions. Absolutely not, I don’t want a scented wax that smells like turkey, for the simple reason we're preparing turkey. I also don't need a sunrise alarm clock, because opening the curtains open achieves the same thing. I certainly do not want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, because that genetic material originates in fish semen. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I'd simply go fishing.

Finding Inspiration From the Animal Kingdom

Therefore, if you constantly search for inspiration, I recommend: take a lesson from wildlife. Humans didn’t invent gifting. This tradition has existed for over 100 million years, well before humans appeared. With a little help from natural selection, this has given creatures plenty of time to master the art of giving. Indeed, certain arachnids go so far as to wrap their presents!

Leaving out exercise-related items and other things I dislike, we can identify five main types of Christmas gift: food, homeware, bling, beauty products and clothing. Nature's creatures excels in every category.

Culinary Presents: From Protein Snacks to Gourmet Skewers

Certain cuckoo species offer their mates nutritious morsels such as bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. But if you prefer your meat shished, then the butcher bird, or the butcher bird. The males spear prey, like insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and branches to create impromptu kebabs.

Some insects gift their beaus spitballs, but these aren’t just any spitballs. These represent the nuptial gifts of scorpionflies, crafted with only the finest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of the most genetically superior males. This offering is packed with nutrients, which is one reason the females favor males with larger gifts.

An additional factor involves the most genetically robust males make the biggest spitballs. When I say “fit” I don’t mean physical appearance, though that may be true. I mean “fit” in the genetic sense.

The gifts are offered as a prelude to sex, so by choosing the male with the largest gift, the female is selecting genetic quality. She then eats the gift while mating but terminates intercourse as soon as it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs result in longer copulation times, during which the male can transfer additional sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This explains the male's motivation for with such an elaborate offering.

Homeware and Shiny Objects

Adélie penguins do not offer food, but they do give nesting materials. On the icy continent, where they live, there is no a hardware shop, so the birds must gather their gifts from their surroundings. Each breeding season, males collect small stones and start making their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, prompting some chancers to steal pebbles from their neighbours. But when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the penguin equivalent of a diamond ring. The stone doesn’t go on her finger, though. If she wants to get serious, she accepts the gift and places it into the nest. Then, after a few final adjustments, they are prepared to start their family.

Speaking of bling, corvids are masters at this gift category. Numerous stories of people who made friends with wild corvids and later received metal caps, fasteners, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, a couple in Florida even received a bracelet with a diamond by a crow they fed regularly. This is especially charming because while many creatures give presents in the hope of scoring, crows seem to give simply for the joy of it.

The Ultimate Combination Gift: Sea Sponges

Off the coast of Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of sea sponge from the ocean floor and using them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, while foraging for fish, they place the sponges on their beak to shield their skin. And sometimes, when male dolphins wish to court females, they wear them as playful headwear before offering them as presents.

By doing this, dolphins brilliantly combine two final categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges are clothing and skincare. To make it even better, when males present their sponge hats away, they often strike a U-shaped posture and produce a whistling sound through their blowhole.

This is not the half-arsed giving from pets – such as a cat presenting a dead mouse in an obscure corner – or certain individuals. Dolphin gifts are thoughtful, multipurpose, sustainably sourced and presented with panache. There is a lesson from them. A popular song claims that the only desire during the holidays “is you”, however, my one Christmas wish, is to be given a sponge-based headwear and skin guard from a cetacean that serenades me with style.